Mmhm. Got it.
Guys who have a dog, or dogs, always put pictures of their mutt in their profile. And usually in some kind of lovey dovey pose to top it off! Look, dudes, if you're trying to come off as a nice guy who loves animals you should just say, "I love animals, I own a dog. His name is Gerald." On the other hand, posting pictures of you and Gerald tucked into bed together with the caption, "there's room for one more!" is NOT the way to do it. Men have dogs because they want something to look after, something to unquestioningly tag along with whatever they want to do. Men who put their pups before pussy: as Liz Lemon would say, "that's a deal breaker, ladies!"
My next favorite 'relationship prerequisite' on the male dating list is: low maintenance and/or no drama.
Really?
I think you can pretty much assume most human beings want relationships that are easy to maintain and low stress. Not pointing out this obvious fact is not going to lead to the assumption that you are a man who enjoys high maintenance pretty pretty princesses who like to throw Rumplestiltzkins when you sneeze in their general direction. Also, what chic is EVER going to admit that they are high maintenance drama queens? Most a those bitches are so self involved that they don't even realize the level of hell they put everyone through! I know what you're thinking--how do you recognize a "diva" then? Hint: she'll be hot, an only child or only female child, or the youngest child, and will carry a brush and make-up in her purse at all times.
Next up we have the "wolf in sheep's clothing clause". Pour example: "I'm looking for something real, but I'm not in a hurry. I mean, I want to get married someday, for sure, but I want to take the time to get to know someone. Only fools rush in, right?"
Mmhm. Got it.
These are the dudes who are on the Match.com to "meet new people" ie bang lots of chics. They want to date around. Have fun without any kind of commitment in mind. They give you tons of pre-meet attention: emailing, instant messaging, txting, phone talking etc. Then you finally meet up and even if you have a great time together--they fade to black. These are gamers who say they hate playing games. Sitting on their ass 'sex shopping' via the triple W. Condoms up their sleeves next to the Ace of spades.
Dating websites tend to give everyone a false sense of where they lie in the dating caste system. And I'm no exception. You start trolling through these mini people reports, and so many of them are just.....depressing. All you can think about is how your profile compares to theirs. How your collage of pictures stands up to the smattering of images they've posted. You always figure people post the most flattering pictures of themselves that they can find, and only tell you the great and awesomest things about their lives. You read their little blurb about who they're looking for and think "that could totally be me!" So you say hi or wink or nudge or whatever each respective site calls their means to express your initial interest in someone. But most folks aren't interested. Then you look in your own inbox at the side show of human calamity that has expressed interest in YOU, and that snaps reality right back into place. I mean, it's the same as in the real life. You're attracted to tons of people, but very few are going to be attracted back, and even fewer are going to turn out to be someone you really want to build a life with. One of the most real magical phenomenons, I think, is the coming together of two people who actually have crushes on each other. Human A sees Human B and is zapped by cupid's taser. Totally unbeknownst to Human A, Human B is also zapped. Out of everyone around, these two want each other. That shit is amazing. And it's my fascination with that touch of real world magic that keeps me coming back up to bat strike out, after strike out, after strike out, after strike.........
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